I Feel Deep Despair (Trigger Warning)…

I wake up most mornings to a few dozen messages on my various social handles. Some of them are simply congratulating me on my Tedx Talk  enquiries to engage me for talks or to put forward my views/opinion pieces and some are deeply personal messages, often painful to read.

“I don’t know what to do anymore. I think the only option is to kill myself”.

“Sometimes, I feel like my life is over and this is how it will be for me. Darkness”

“There are times, I am tempted to kill my family and end it all. For me and them”.

“I am imprisoned by my own husband. I want out. What do I do?’

I talk, chat, mentor, offer support, find them the appropriate help – but it leaves its mark. Deep marks in fact.

It brings me back to my days when it was painfully, tragically hard when I had come out. I felt alone. I felt this was it, and there would be no light in my life ever again. I felt fear. I felt pain. I felt despair. But mostly I felt, hopelessness.

Today, in 2021 as we all celebrate #PrideMonth and celebrate #ally-ship and celebrate the courageous stories of all our journeys, please do not forget to pray for those who are still struggling or are put through very horrible, inhuman emotional, physical, mental abuse, simply because our loved ones do not understand us and are not willing to educate themselves and accept. There are families who put our community through inhuman #conversiontherapy in the name of ‘curing’ us.

Please hold out a hand to those who reach out to you – by supporting a person from #LGBTQ+ community, you will not become ‘gay’ I promise you.

But, you will make a queer person feel loved and accepted and that would be enough for many of us.

Our ‘Coming Out Stories From India’ series was launched to create positive role models of people with lived experiences. Please do subscribe, watch and share. We need to change this narrative. It is our collective responsibility. One story at a time.

One July Morning

 

 

That July morning, when I woke up to a different day – when I saw darkness around me in many forms, was the lowest day of my life. The symptoms were painful. I got myself to a doctor, series of tests…all suggesting I had severe Type 2 diabetes, huge stone in my gall bladder, hypertension amongst other ailments, all due to obesity.

Time stood still. But more than that, life stood still. 

I had no idea of Diabetes except that I had lost a few family members, who lost their limbs first before they passed on. And at very young age. I had a history of diabetes in my family. I felt I had no chance.  My doctor suggested getting the gall bladder out. But, he wouldn’t operate (or just couldn’t) on me as I had severe diabetes, which meant the chances of infection was very high and so was the healing time. I was scared inside to undergo surgery as I had no fall back option for my young twins if something were to happen to me. Those were dark days.  Long days and longer nights.  I felt alone. Miserable. Lost. 

 
Other than the diagnoses, I hated the feeling I had within. I felt extremely unwell. For the first time ever, I felt I couldn’t go on with life. I needed to end it all and start again.People who know me are shocked that I was going through all that — I just did not show it to anyone. It is common, amongst us women. We simply pretend all is well to the world, when inside we are crumbling.
 
It’s then I got off my ass and decided to give it a try. To start all over again without ending anything. I made the decision to get off my arse.  And GetOffMyAss I did!

I decided to take charge of my life…

No Time for Exercise ? Try This

No time for exercise? Try this…!!

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My blog is not about losing weight. It is about re-gaining health. I am a middle-aged woman, with a full-on life. I lost control for a while, gained huge amount of weight in a very short span, and got very ill.  I was told I couldn’t live much longer if I did not do something about it. The starting point for me was to lose the excess weight. It was not easy. It was not hard either. It was just about making a decision and taking action. I decided to take one day at a time. Every day, I focussed on that one day. And slowly, things changed. I lost the weight. I re-gained my health. My diabetes went into remission. I no longer suffer from hypertension. My liver is fine. The stone in my gall bladder is getting smaller. Is it a “miracle” as we would like to believe? No. It is simply, about making a decision and taking action, and sticking with it, every day.

One common phrase I have heard over and over again, “You are so lucky, you can exercise, I have no time to exercise”!

Seriously, one thing we all have in common is the 24 hours we get. What we do with those 24 hours each day, is what makes us different.

Make the decision and take action:

I have been there — making hundreds of excuses for not being able to exercise> some of my common excuses were:

  • No time – long days, and longer nights of work !
  • Travel – as you all know, I travel atleast 10-15 days a month
  • Children – Two teenagers is a full-time job plus more…
  • Social life – late nights can be tiring … with all that eating, and drinking!
  • Unpredictable life – I have to travel at short notice at times
  • Over 40 – My life is now about my children, so why bother!
  • Why put the effort – Exercise does take effort.
  • What will people think – Oh, I thought the whole world was watching 🙂
All of the above is totally true, and has not changed, honestly. But, I decided to work with it.  So, I make use of what I have, with the time I have.
Just simple things to do at home. Remember, every little thing does count, as my trainer once told me, “everything is CBO” (Calorie Burning Opportunity).  Ten calories here, and ten calories there…it all adds up. And it’s fun!!!
  • Buckets: Oh, that’s the best. I use half filled buckets (soaked with whites) to lift. helps with building my core, and also my arms.
  • kichen bench for push ups – while cooking, waiting for the pot to boil…
  • More ways to use the chair – I do planks, tricep bench dips. I sit on the chair at times, and do stomach crunches.
  • Stairs: Apart from using the stairs to go up and down, I use them to do push ups. I do about 50 odd a day.  Just because I can!
  • Children : If you have young children, carry them around! Amazing calorie burners.
I am still a few kilos away from my goal. But my goal is not about my weight. I want to stay well, healthy and alive.  I have a lifetime ahead of me, after all.

Feel free to comment on this, share with anyone needing encouragement. Remember, every little does count.  Follow me on Facebook