When Life gets Dark

Dark Thoughts

I have always been a very happy, positive person and have had a great attitude to life. I live every moment in the best way I am able. However, I made certain choices in life that set me off on a different journey that at times took me to very dark places. I learnt very quickly about human behaviour and the dark side of life.

I had decided to move on from a very peaceful, comfortable life with a beautiful family when I was in New Zealand, to a life that would leave me exposed to being judged, as I had decided I was going to explore my sexuality.

This choice created many challenges – emotional and at times physical abuse from those around me (not my ex-husband),  I lost so-called friendships, people constantly judged and shared negative opinions and this also had an impact on my kids who were little at that time. This put me into a very deep dark hole. Outwardly, I seemed happy and excited about life, and I believe I laughed much more than I would otherwise (overcompensating) but inside I was breaking each day. I was finding it very hard to cope. Waking up and doing normal things was a struggle. Having the kids helped me push myself to do what I had to do. I got up, dressed and showed up each day. I went in and out of deep depression. Too scared to share with anyone, in case they judged me again.

There are still deep scars from that time and every now and again I go back in there, but I come out of it. I know how to deal with it now. I write poetry or I just write. My Untold Lies is from such times. I use tools, I keep myself busy with work, hobby and just allow myself to do what I need to do. I do nothing that will make it harder or difficult for myself. On such dark days, I am kinder to myself and try and love myself as I would a friend, who is going through a similar journey.

A short snippet of a personal story on mental health issues.

Raga Olga D’silva

Author – Untold Lies | Influencer | Speaker

Director – Speaking Minds

One July Morning



That July morning, when I woke up to a different day – when I saw darkness around me in many forms, was the lowest day of my life. The symptoms were painful. I got myself to a doctor, series of tests…all suggesting I had severe Type 2 diabetes, huge stone in my gall bladder, hypertension amongst other ailments, all due to obesity.

Time stood still. But more than that, life stood still. 

I had no idea of Diabetes except that I had lost a few family members, who lost their limbs first before they passed on. And at very young age. I had a history of diabetes in my family. I felt I had no chance.  My doctor suggested getting the gall bladder out. But, he wouldn’t operate (or just couldn’t) on me as I had severe diabetes, which meant the chances of infection was very high and so was the healing time. I was scared inside to undergo surgery as I had no fall back option for my young twins if something were to happen to me. Those were dark days.  Long days and longer nights.  I felt alone. Miserable. Lost. 

Other than the diagnoses, I hated the feeling I had within. I felt extremely unwell. For the first time ever, I felt I couldn’t go on with life. I needed to end it all and start again.People who know me are shocked that I was going through all that — I just did not show it to anyone. It is common, amongst us women. We simply pretend all is well to the world, when inside we are crumbling.
It’s then I got off my ass and decided to give it a try. To start all over again without ending anything. I made the decision to get off my arse.  And GetOffMyAss I did!

I decided to take charge of my life…