“Hey dude”, he exclaimed aloud, as he patted me on my back. I observed this was something he did with the other blokes around. I nearly fell with the force of his pat. I was not used to being hit on my back by men (or by anyone for that matter. Women hug we don’t pat). He was excited and had much to say and show. I found myself in the midst of a dozen smart, professional men looking at something that this person was sharing. He turned to me and said, ‘look at this dude’, and showed me a photo of a naked woman, expecting me to drool perhaps and fall on my knees perhaps, as some men do. I did not drool, nor did I feel any sense of excitement. Although I was not shocked, it did make me feel very uncomfortable. I found myself walking away to my favourite spot – to a group of women who welcomed me with warmest hugs.
It took me a while to realize that this was a man’s way of welcoming me to the ‘male club’. Suddenly I smiled, I no longer wondered why he would call me a dude or a bro, pat me on my back, and show me these photos.
Well, obviously, he had heard my coming out story. For him, this was a woman who had professed to love women (plural ha, ha). So, he thought if she loves a woman, she must think like a man!! How wrong can someone be!
This has been a constant in my life since that big day when my story came out, just like I did. Men don’t know how to be around me – so they treat me as they treat their buddies. I had a few seconds of access to their world, and that was enough for me. Women seem relieved though. I am now left with husbands for longer hours without eyebrows being raised. In fact, I secretly believe that women see me as their most preferred option; as their husbands are now safe and they can have their ‘girly’ times without worrying.
What about me, I think. What do I want? Where do I fit?
I love men. I feel for them. They honestly don’t know how to deal with someone like me. As soon as I arrive, they offer me a single malt or a beer. A man drink perhaps? I get a buddy hug and I don’t get ignored anymore because I am a woman (it’s a true story). I get to hear all about their girlfriends or their love interests (oh, no, they don’t talk about their wives. True story again).
The other day, this man asked me to join in the conversation with some other cool blokes. I smiled and joined in. They insinuated that I was now part of the old man’s club because I loved women. All their banter was around sex and comments about the physical aspects. I could manage 60 seconds of this kind of banter.
Finally, not being able to stand this anymore and using my calmest voice, I explained, ‘I love women. Yes. But that does not make me a man just because I love a woman. I think like a woman. I feel like a woman. I look like a woman. Every bit of me is still a woman and just because I prefer to love a woman, it does not make me a man. So chill, relax and get me a gin & water please”.
Raga Olga D’silva
Speaker | Influencer | Disruptor | Author | Entrepreneur