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Category Archives: Emotional well-being

It Is What It Is – Part 1

It Is What It Is – Part 1

We suffer. Inside. Deeply. Often in despair. Inside. Silently. Outwardly, we smile. Working. Supporting others. Inside, there is chaos. True?

Then something shifts. The situation doesn’t change. The location does not change. The people around don’t change. Nothing changes. Yet, something huge changes.  Perhaps, finally, realisation hits.

And that is that realisation which brought me back from a place I never ever want to consciously or unconsciously go back to again. The suffering was not required. Pain wasn’t required. It is indeed all in the mind. It is indeed a choice. All we perhaps need is a place to house it.

All of us need to go away at times. I have done that on numerous occasions. When life got too tough for me, or my hurt was so deep, I simply just disengaged and went within. During those times,  I do not communicate. I just go away. In the past, when  I have come back, it is always with a temporary bandage, because the lessons either haven’t been learnt fully, or I haven’t allowed myself the acknowledgement of the healing that is needed.

This time, I wasn’t willing to do that.  I was tired of not feeling the joy within. I am a happy soul. Authenticity and positivity is what I am known for, and what comes naturally to me. But here I was, finding it hard to share myself and support others; because I had let my light dim away. By my own doing. My conversations with some of my friends prompted me to share this, so we can all perhaps get some pointers.

Here are my personal lessons:

  1. Are you digging deeper? – When the hole you dig is too deep – STOP : Very often we find ourselves in situations, mostly self-perpetuated and self-created; and as emotional beings, we live on ‘hope’ and ‘faith’. No matter how challenging it gets, we keep believing that things will change. They often do. But not always in the right direction. The hole keeps growing bigger and deeper. At some point, there is a huge danger of getting lost in that hole, and losing a sense of direction when in that deep, dark place. We need to know when to stop digging that hole, and get out. The hole doesn’t need us any more.
  2. Who are you spending most time with? – You are indeed the company you keep: We all have this experience. Imagine this. You are speaking with someone who has recently known someone who has met with an accident. They narrate the story to you. You listen. Then you add your bits to it and share a similar incident. Imagine if this person did this to you every day, every time they saw you. What would your state of mind become eventually? You would be in a perpetual state of sadness and grief. The point is, we work on auto pilot as humans. We start communicating in the manner that someone communicates with us. Around a positive, high energy, motivated person, we talk that language and over time, we become that language. That becomes who we are. Surrounding ourselves with such positive company is critical. We are the company we keep.
  3. What are you holding on to? – Know when to let go: We all love. We all feel. We all act rationally and irrationally, depending upon our situations, our circumstances and who we are as people. We all make mistakes. I tend to take everything as if I am to be blamed. It’s in my nature to think if something is going wrong, then it must be my fault. It is probably a deep rooted thing. But it does happen. That creates a huge problem. I don’t give up on challenges; thinking I can change it. But there in lies the problem. What if in reality the problem is not yours alone? Then can you change anything single handedly? It’s learning to let go of all that does not serve us in our holistic being anymore, is critical. Any relationship, any situation that demands you to doubt and question your own self, needs to be let go of. Otherwise the hole will get deeper. At times, the best thing you can do is move on. Accept that what may be best is to keep that feeling in your soul. Heal within. It doesn’t need to be more than that.
  4. Do you store pain? – Learning not just to Forgive but to really Forgive : A huge lesson. We all believe we forgive those whom we have allowed to hurt us. We don’t really. We let the hurt eat into us. Or, we simply store it away, thinking if we deny it, it will go. But it doesn’t go unless we acknowledge it, accept it, spend time understanding the how and the why, learning from it and then healing. I have stored pain that I cannot even remember. But the cells remember. At times I have felt unbearable pain, taking me into darkness I don’t even understand. This is deep rooted as well. I have now made a choice not to let any pain get stored. If it means, I have to step away, work on myself and heal, I do that. All I store is love, happiness and joy within.
  5. So, what is it ? – It is WHAT it IS: This is the biggest truth I learnt. It is what it is. This is life.  This is how life is. There is no one to blame. No one to point fingers at. Each one is playing their part in this world. Each one bears their own cross. Each one has their own lessons to learn and each one has their own growth path. What we need to do is just make the most of each day. What is truly ours is time. And time is precious. It is not something any one of us can take for granted. None of us can say how long we will be here. My time here is very limited, perhaps. I know that. But do I really know that? Does it matter how long? how much?  I am going to make the most of what I have and accepting that it is what it is, that’s my biggest learning from life.

“The nonpermanent appearance of happiness and distress, and their disappearance in due course, are like the appearance and disappearance of winter and summer seasons.They arise from sense perception,and one must learn to tolerate them without being disturbed.”
― Anonymous, The Bhagavad Gita

“A Ticking Time Bomb”.

That was the blunt description given the mounting problem of Type 2 Diabetes within the South Asian Diaspora community in the United Kingdom a few years ago.

According to research, immigrants to the UK from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and other nations from South Asia are six times more likely than the indigenous white population to develop Type 2 Diabetes.

Whilst current evidence is inconclusive as to why British Asians are more susceptible to the disorder, medical experts have pointed to the twin evils of a diet high in carbohydrates and saturated fatty acids (all those chapattis and rice dishes) as well as alarmingly low levels of physical activity, especially among older South Asian women, as two of the most significant contributory factors to a problem that is certain to put a huge burden on families and the community at large.

Alarmingly, there is widespread ignorance about Type 2 Diabetes within the community, according to medical experts, which threatens the lives of thousands.

Mumbai-born, with ten amazing years in New Zealand, now North London-based marketing and advertising expert, Raga D’silva was among those ignorant masses.

The 46-year-old mother of twins, whose family had a history of Diabetes, was diagnosed with this illness in 2012. The news brought about a radical change in Raga and has inspired her to help others with Diabetes and raise awareness.

Raga is the Asian Ambassador for Diabetes UK.

 

 
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Posted by on July 25, 2017 in Emotional well-being, Motivation

 

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I Stopped Myself From Stopping Myself

I Stopped Myself From Stopping Myself

Drops fell. Slowly. From the corner of my eyes. I tried to keep a straight face. Tried to focus on the meeting I was at. But the tears just kept flowing. I had lost control –  over my pain. Finally, it had caught up with me. I stopped myself from stopping myself. I let it flow. Slowly. And then it gushed out. I was scared of being judged. But in that moment, I had no control.  And it was okay. I felt safe. I was amongst those who loved me. Those who didn’t judge me. Those who did not question me. They just held my hand and let me be.

Darkness had presented itself in many ways. The darkness of actions, reactions, pain, frustration, emotions that were mine, yet no longer mine. I had allowed myself to become this person I wasn’t even aware of. In my heart, I knew my own role in the darkness that I had created for me. That darkness was killing me.

It was a jolt. But it was a lesson

It was time to get up, slowly. It was time to let things go. It was time to stop questioning. It was time to stop forcing. It was time to stop asking. It was time to stop feeling. It was time to look up; accept what it was and it was time to stand back up again. It was time to stop. It was time to start.

As I walked around the waterfront, at my most favourite part of the world – the Bandstand area in Bandra, Mumbai; suddenly it all made sense. Life doesn’t have to be painful. It doesn’t need to be drama.  Neither become one, nor be a participant.

There is so much to learn from the sea. The waves are a perfect example of how life can be a roller coaster, carrying with itself things that don’t even belong to it.Yet it can remain calm, distant and committed.  There is trash and there is treasure. The waves simply accept it, and when it gets too much, it leaves the extras ashore. But the waves don’t stop. They continue on their path. Their role is to keep the current flowing. It provides a constant sense of movement taking everything in its stride. The waves also learnt their lesson each time.

That wave was my lesson. The waves do not force themselves on anyone, nor do they expect to be questioned. I had done the opposite and there was a price to pay for it. I was not defeated. I had learnt. It taught me to just go with the flow. It taught me not to hold on to anything. There are many who will go on a journey with me. Many will throw things into my being. Many will not understand my purpose. Some will bring light. Some will enhance the darkness. I need to learn and grow. I need to keep going. Only allow those whose journey matched mine and are willing to commit to that journey. Not run away when it doesn’t suit them anymore. The journey will continue regardless. The purpose will remain. Authenticity will remain. Lessons will be learnt.

Darkness will bring in the light. And the light will bring magic to the waves.

The magic that the light brings to be waves needs to be felt again. That light is inside of me. And that light is magical.

“A Ticking Time Bomb”.

That was the blunt description given the mounting problem of Type 2 Diabetes within the South Asian Diaspora community in the United Kingdom a few years ago.

According to research, immigrants to the UK from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and other nations from South Asia are six times more likely than the indigenous white population to develop Type 2 Diabetes.

Whilst current evidence is inconclusive as to why British Asians are more susceptible to the disorder, medical experts have pointed to the twin evils of a diet high in carbohydrates and saturated fatty acids (all those chapattis and rice dishes) as well as alarmingly low levels of physical activity, especially among older South Asian women, as two of the most significant contributory factors to a problem that is certain to put a huge burden on families and the community at large.

Alarmingly, there is widespread ignorance about Type 2 Diabetes within the community, according to medical experts, which threatens the lives of thousands.

Mumbai-born, with ten amazing years in New Zealand, now North London-based marketing and advertising expert, Raga D’silva was among those ignorant masses.

The 46-year-old mother of twins, whose family had a history of Diabetes, was diagnosed with this illness in 2012. The news brought about a radical change in Raga and has inspired her to help others with Diabetes and raise awareness.

Raga is the Asian Ambassador for Diabetes UK.

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Pic courtesy: Online

 
 

Strong Women Cry

Strong Women Cry

I was brought up to believe that if you are strong, you should not cry. Maybe that lesson was first taught to me when at the age of six,  I saw my father die. Perhaps the family felt it was the best way to teach me to deal with pain. Ever since, no matter how hard life was, I never allowed myself to cry. My pain stayed within. I remember my dear mother repeatedly saying to all “she is very strong, she never cries”. And the more I heard her say that, the stronger I stayed for her.

It has taken me 46 years to realise what a load of crap this really is. Strong woman must cry. Because tears are a way of washing away our pain and hurt, isn’t it. 

We are human. We feel all kinds of emotions. Hurt, pain, anger, jealousy, insecurity, happiness, frustration and regardless of what these emotions are, we are best when we allow them to be felt. Anything in excess is bad and we have to learn to manage it, but curbing them is not truly being.

We spend our life trying to get rid of negative emotions that are harmful to our overall well-being. Jealousy, insecurity, anger these are all emotions that stem out of fear. Our fear of losing. Our fear of failure. When we feel these emotions, we must allow it to to be felt and release it, otherwise they fester inside us. These emotions re-appear when exposed. Have you been there? I have been there many times. I suppress these emotions by “distracting” myself. Food, drinking, other distractions — are my typical way of coping.

Often when one is on an emotional low, we hear our well wishers say “find a distraction’ and “it will pass”. I say it no to this solution. We need to “feel it to heal it”. We need to take our time to feel whatever that negative emotion is, accept it, understand it, understand the reasons for that emotion, why is it getting to us. Feel it fully. And then release it. In releasing it, we allow that pain to go away permanently. What it leaves behind is not pain, or emptiness. What it leaves behind is an understanding of that feeling. Healing only happens then.

I have been emotionally very low the past few months. I allowed myself to make poor decisions and that’s ok, it was a choice I made. In making those choices, I found joy as well. However, that also caused a lot of emotional turmoil. Some very good days, and extremely low days. The low days became so painful that often I would end up finding ‘distractions’. It only occurred to me lately that ’emotional lows’ are actually our hearts way of waking us up and saying ‘hey, please deal with this, it’s causing me pain’. And the more we run away from it, the more it returns because it’s not been dealt with. And it only get’s worse.

This time I decided that enough was enough. Each time I run away from pain, and don’t deal with it, it comes back with a greater force and since the lessons are not learnt, the situations that allow me to make poor choices continue.  (and hey, no one else causes us pain, so no ‘karma is not a bitch’. We cause ourselves pain with our choices. It’s another thing that we like to find someone else to blame, but seriously our hurts and pains are caused only by our own choices).

So here is what I intend to do:

  • sit quietly and feel the emotion (anger, hurt, pain, whatever that is)
  • understand and reflect on why that happened, and what made me feel that emotion
  • understand my part in it, and what choices I made
  • reflect and allow the pain to be felt
  • find ways of dealing with the pain so that it does not re-surface
  • let it go. let the fears, the hurt, the anger, the pain of that situation go
  • Accept it fully
  • Move on

And CRY. It is important to cry. I can count on my fingers the number of times I have cried.  I am still not there. Today I wanted to cry and as the tears welled up, I could hear my dear mum’s voice “you are so strong, you never cry” and I stopped myself.

Now I allow myself a few tears every now and again – I am a strong woman and I cry.

Be a strong woman, Cry when you need to.

(Dedicated to my dear mother, on her birthday. I love you and I miss you. We are both strong women and I continue to live through you).

“A Ticking Time Bomb”.

That was the blunt description given the mounting problem of Type 2 Diabetes within the South Asian Diaspora community in the United Kingdom a few years ago.

According to research, immigrants to the UK from India, Pakistan, Bangladesh and other nations from South Asia are six times more likely than the indigenous white population to develop Type 2 Diabetes.

Whilst current evidence is inconclusive as to why British Asians are more susceptible to the disorder, medical experts have pointed to the twin evils of a diet high in carbohydrates and saturated fatty acids (all those chapattis and rice dishes) as well as alarmingly low levels of physical activity, especially among older South Asian women, as two of the most significant contributory factors to a problem that is certain to put a huge burden on families and the community at large.

Alarmingly, there is widespread ignorance about Type 2 Diabetes within the community, according to medical experts, which threatens the lives of thousands.

Mumbai-born, with ten amazing years in New Zealand, now North London-based marketing and advertising expert , Raga D’silva was among those ignorant masses.

The 46-year-old mother of twins, whose family had a history of Diabetes, was diagnosed with this illness in 2012. The news brought about a radical change in Raga and has inspired her to help others with Diabetes and raise awareness.

Raga is the Asian Ambassador for Diabetes UK.

 
 
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